A kid named Whale farted on me today.
Yes, his name is Whale. And no, unfortunately, he's not fat.
Just another day in the life of Teacher Robin.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
CNYp2 - Singapore and Indonesia, or how I got kicked out of the country of India
Sorry to leave you hanging about how I got kicked out of India. It all started when I got super drunk on the airplane. I was playing a drinking game where I took a shot every time the "fasten seat belt" light when on, a baby cried, or the person behind me kicked my seat. Needless to say, I got shhhwasted. In my drunken stupor, I thought it'd be a good idea to go through customs without wearing pants. Well, to me, it was pretty hilarious, but the customs officer did not approve of my lack of pants or my sharpie marker mustache. Then the drug dogs found the cocaine stash in my underwear and it just all went downhill from there.
Actually none of that is true at all. The real story is pretty boring - apparently you need a visa to enter India, which I didn't have. Whoops. Clearly I do an excellent job on researching the countries I plan on visiting. The Indian customs people were jerks about it too and I ended up crying in the middle of an airport with 100s of people watching me. Patrick (the guy I was traveling with) was still in Malaysia at the time because we bought tickets from Kuala Lumpur to New Delhi on different days because of price differences. Here I am, sobbing in the airport, begging to be let in the country, while these Indian dudes are yelling at me telling me how stupid I was (thanks, because I couldn't figure that out myself). I got a couple of "just because you're American doesn't mean you can do whatever you want" speeches. After an hour of me crying and shaking and feeling like an idiot, a group of officials come out and tell me they're going to ship me off to Kathmandu.
KATHMANDU?!? WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT?
[Nepal, I found out later]
I convinced them to send me back to Kuala Lumpur since I had a flight from Kuala Lumpur to Taipei (we were supposed to fly from New Delhi back to KL and from KL back to Taipei). They had to delay the flight for me to get on, a fact the airport workers were intent on criticizing me for, because, you know, I didn't feel bad enough already.
So after one traumatic, awful, sleepless night, I found myself back in Kuala Lumpur. I went back to the hostel and woke an extremely confused Patrick up with a "heyyy, so about that flight to India..."
Although extremely terrible for my pride and wallet, all in all, getting kicked out of the country of India is kind of hilarious.
Robin's updated bucket list
I'm 1/3 of the way there!!
In about 2 hours, Patrick and I whipped up a plan B. KL was cool and all, but we saw all we
wanted to see and had no desire to stay there another week. Plan B included a bus ride to Singapore, 2 nights in Singapore, then a ferry to Bintu island in Indonesia.
Singapore, if you didn't know, is located on the same island as Malaysia and Thailand. It's a tiny city-state. Here are some more fun facts: English is the main language. It's pretty expensive compared to the rest of Asia. Chewing gum is illegal (I know, wtf? I wish I could have brought some in the country to see if I could sneak it in, it's not sold anywhere on the island). Spitting in public is also illegal. If you want to know more, JFGI.
The Eiffel tower is to Paris as the statue of a half-lion, half-mermaid/pineapple spitting is to Singapore. Here I am with the "Merlion"
We also visited Sentosa, an island connected to Singapore via suspension bridge, making it the southern-most point of continental Asia. The park was pretty sweet.
Actually none of that is true at all. The real story is pretty boring - apparently you need a visa to enter India, which I didn't have. Whoops. Clearly I do an excellent job on researching the countries I plan on visiting. The Indian customs people were jerks about it too and I ended up crying in the middle of an airport with 100s of people watching me. Patrick (the guy I was traveling with) was still in Malaysia at the time because we bought tickets from Kuala Lumpur to New Delhi on different days because of price differences. Here I am, sobbing in the airport, begging to be let in the country, while these Indian dudes are yelling at me telling me how stupid I was (thanks, because I couldn't figure that out myself). I got a couple of "just because you're American doesn't mean you can do whatever you want" speeches. After an hour of me crying and shaking and feeling like an idiot, a group of officials come out and tell me they're going to ship me off to Kathmandu.
KATHMANDU?!? WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT?
[Nepal, I found out later]
I convinced them to send me back to Kuala Lumpur since I had a flight from Kuala Lumpur to Taipei (we were supposed to fly from New Delhi back to KL and from KL back to Taipei). They had to delay the flight for me to get on, a fact the airport workers were intent on criticizing me for, because, you know, I didn't feel bad enough already.
So after one traumatic, awful, sleepless night, I found myself back in Kuala Lumpur. I went back to the hostel and woke an extremely confused Patrick up with a "heyyy, so about that flight to India..."
Although extremely terrible for my pride and wallet, all in all, getting kicked out of the country of India is kind of hilarious.
Robin's updated bucket list
- get my masters degree
- write a novel
get kicked out of a country
I'm 1/3 of the way there!!
In about 2 hours, Patrick and I whipped up a plan B. KL was cool and all, but we saw all we
wanted to see and had no desire to stay there another week. Plan B included a bus ride to Singapore, 2 nights in Singapore, then a ferry to Bintu island in Indonesia.
Singapore, if you didn't know, is located on the same island as Malaysia and Thailand. It's a tiny city-state. Here are some more fun facts: English is the main language. It's pretty expensive compared to the rest of Asia. Chewing gum is illegal (I know, wtf? I wish I could have brought some in the country to see if I could sneak it in, it's not sold anywhere on the island). Spitting in public is also illegal. If you want to know more, JFGI.
The Eiffel tower is to Paris as the statue of a half-lion, half-mermaid/pineapple spitting is to Singapore. Here I am with the "Merlion"
As Singapore isn't huge, we saw everything we wanted to see in one day. We jumped on a ferry for 2 hours and went to a small Indonesian island called Bintan. We booked our hostel in, get this, a fucking bungalow. Hells to the yes!
Apparently we came to Indonesia during the off season, because there was hardly anybody at our hostel. We basically had a private beach and hotel staff to ourselves. All that for about 20$/night!
The exchange rate is something crazy like 8000 Indonesian rupia to one US $, so I took a picture of myself holding *one million dollars*
Yeah, ok, so this is really not much more than 100 US$, but it felt cool nonetheless.
The beaches were beautiful and straight out of a Corona commercial. I don't really feel like I got to know what real Indonesia is like though because we didn't sight see at all (there wasn't anything TO sightsee because it was a smaller island) and basically stayed at our resort-y hostel. Outside of our bungalow hostel, the island was quite poor. I'd like to go back and see Jakarta and/or some other islands before I really make a good impression about Indonesia.
I probably never would have gone to Singapore, and maybe not Indonesia, had the whole India fiasco never happened, so I definitely recommend getting kicked out of countries if you want to expand your horizons.
All in all, an awesome trip. Hit a huge road block, but we made the best of it with an impromptu backpacking trip through southeast Asia. Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia - check, check, check. My bank account is depleted so it'll be a while before my next trip, but I'll probably do another one before 2011 ends, assuming I stay in Taiwan another year, which I haven't officially decided on yet.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
CNYp1 - Malaysia or, how I rode an elephant and got chased by ninja monkeys
CNY (Chinese New Year) adventures... PART ONE: MALAYSIA
As my Chinese New Year vacay will take quite a bit of blogging, I'm going to split up blog posts and dedicate one to each country I visited. First on the list is Malaysia.
I left Sunday night with Patrick from the Taipei airport and flew into Kuala Lumpur, the capital of Malaysia. We arrived at 4am in KL and chilled in the airport McDonalds until our hostel opened while we quickly googled some facts about Malaysia, as we knew nothing about it before we came. Seriously, we naively thought KL would be just another Taipei. We walked around and saw girls wearing head scarves - surprise! Malaysia is a Muslim country. Who knew? We looked up a few phrases in Malay, like Apa khabar (how are you), which was unnecessary since everyone speaks English there, unlike in Taipei.
I was also extremely proud of myself because I could definitely tell the difference between Malaysians and Taiwanese. I CAN TELL SOME ASIANS APART! IT'S POSSIBLE!
Once we got to our hostel, we weren't allowed to check in yet, so we wandered outside to explore Kuala Lumpur. I fell in love with KL because they had Diet Pepsi, Mountain Dew AND trash cans. These are usually my requirements for judging the awesomeness of a country. I just about hugged the trash can when I saw it - the Taiwanese are trash nazis and refuse to put out public trash cans. I chugged some delicious Mountain Dew and my sleep-deprived, hopped-up on caffeine body explored KL. We first went to the Petronas Twin Towers, which is an icon of KL. They are two big twin buildings that are just about as exciting as they sound, aka not exciting at all. There is a big mall inside the towers that we walked around in (and fell asleep in, whoops). Feeling tired and grumpy, Patrick and I walked around and took pictures of some cool architecture,. but there wasn't much to do.
The next day was my favorite spent in KL. I had booked a tour and a Malaysian guide picked us up in a car and we first stopped at the Batu Caves, another famous Malaysian tourist spot. The caves were sweet! There's some huge golden Hindu thing in front of the caves.
You walk up a bunch of steps to get into the caves, which is an adventure itself because there are tons of these crazy terrorist monkeys chasing after you while you go up the stairs. No joke. They're scary as shit and run around on the steps and try to steal food and pickpocket you while you try to walk up stairs. Probably half my Batu Caves pictures are just of monkeys, including the national geographic-esque one I took of a mom and baby (below).
We then drove to Deer Park. The park workers shuffled us in so we wouldn't miss the bear photo op. I thought, all right, I'll go take a picture of this bear, whatevs. We walk in and they push us into the bear cage and ask for my camera and tell us to pet the bear. WHAT. Here is Patrick and I petting the bear with a look of "WTF why are we petting a fucking bear" look on our faces.
We then fed some deer and looked at the other caged Malaysian animals.
There was a snake in the cage and the guy went into the cage to take it out. Again, I thought, cool, I'll take a picture of this snake. But no, the guy threw the snake around my neck and I took another "WTF why is there a fucking snake on me" picture.
Then came the Elephant Sanctuary. This was the main destination of our tour. Thus far, the tour was amazing, partially because I had 0 expectations of Batu Caves and Deer Park so I was pleasantly surprised. The Elephant Sanctuary, though, was a bit anti-climatic, especially since I had some preconceived ideas about what it'd be like (you know, jumping on a beautiful elephant and running through the jungle while the Lion King's Circle of Life is playing in the background). We did eventually ride an elephant in an elephant version of a pony ring I used to love when I was five. The elephant was uncomfortable and awkwardly hairy and no one played any Lion King music while I rode it.
We got to feed the elephants too, which was cool but disgusting. The end of their trunks feel like the inside of someone's nose so I kept getting elephant snot on my hands while giving them peanuts.
The rest of our time in KL was more low key - no more ninja monkey chases or elephant snot. Some highlights:
*They drive on the left side of the road and the driver is on the right of the car. I sat in the front left seat of a taxi and it tripped me out.
*I tried my first and last durian. I've never ate a fruit that tasted so disgusting. It's spiky and badass looking and feels like it belongs more in Mario Kart than it does in my mouth. You open up the spikyness and there are seed/nut things covered in lard. You are supposed to eat the lard off the seed. It smells terrible and I gagged when I took a nibble of the spiky lard shit. Blech.
Stay tuned to find out how I got kicked out of the country of India!
As my Chinese New Year vacay will take quite a bit of blogging, I'm going to split up blog posts and dedicate one to each country I visited. First on the list is Malaysia.
I left Sunday night with Patrick from the Taipei airport and flew into Kuala Lumpur, the capital of Malaysia. We arrived at 4am in KL and chilled in the airport McDonalds until our hostel opened while we quickly googled some facts about Malaysia, as we knew nothing about it before we came. Seriously, we naively thought KL would be just another Taipei. We walked around and saw girls wearing head scarves - surprise! Malaysia is a Muslim country. Who knew? We looked up a few phrases in Malay, like Apa khabar (how are you), which was unnecessary since everyone speaks English there, unlike in Taipei.
I was also extremely proud of myself because I could definitely tell the difference between Malaysians and Taiwanese. I CAN TELL SOME ASIANS APART! IT'S POSSIBLE!
Once we got to our hostel, we weren't allowed to check in yet, so we wandered outside to explore Kuala Lumpur. I fell in love with KL because they had Diet Pepsi, Mountain Dew AND trash cans. These are usually my requirements for judging the awesomeness of a country. I just about hugged the trash can when I saw it - the Taiwanese are trash nazis and refuse to put out public trash cans. I chugged some delicious Mountain Dew and my sleep-deprived, hopped-up on caffeine body explored KL. We first went to the Petronas Twin Towers, which is an icon of KL. They are two big twin buildings that are just about as exciting as they sound, aka not exciting at all. There is a big mall inside the towers that we walked around in (and fell asleep in, whoops). Feeling tired and grumpy, Patrick and I walked around and took pictures of some cool architecture,. but there wasn't much to do.
The next day was my favorite spent in KL. I had booked a tour and a Malaysian guide picked us up in a car and we first stopped at the Batu Caves, another famous Malaysian tourist spot. The caves were sweet! There's some huge golden Hindu thing in front of the caves.
 |
| Patrick taking a pic of the monkey on the stairs |
We then drove to Deer Park. The park workers shuffled us in so we wouldn't miss the bear photo op. I thought, all right, I'll go take a picture of this bear, whatevs. We walk in and they push us into the bear cage and ask for my camera and tell us to pet the bear. WHAT. Here is Patrick and I petting the bear with a look of "WTF why are we petting a fucking bear" look on our faces.
We then fed some deer and looked at the other caged Malaysian animals.
There was a snake in the cage and the guy went into the cage to take it out. Again, I thought, cool, I'll take a picture of this snake. But no, the guy threw the snake around my neck and I took another "WTF why is there a fucking snake on me" picture.
Then came the Elephant Sanctuary. This was the main destination of our tour. Thus far, the tour was amazing, partially because I had 0 expectations of Batu Caves and Deer Park so I was pleasantly surprised. The Elephant Sanctuary, though, was a bit anti-climatic, especially since I had some preconceived ideas about what it'd be like (you know, jumping on a beautiful elephant and running through the jungle while the Lion King's Circle of Life is playing in the background). We did eventually ride an elephant in an elephant version of a pony ring I used to love when I was five. The elephant was uncomfortable and awkwardly hairy and no one played any Lion King music while I rode it.
We got to feed the elephants too, which was cool but disgusting. The end of their trunks feel like the inside of someone's nose so I kept getting elephant snot on my hands while giving them peanuts.
The rest of our time in KL was more low key - no more ninja monkey chases or elephant snot. Some highlights:
*They drive on the left side of the road and the driver is on the right of the car. I sat in the front left seat of a taxi and it tripped me out.
*I tried my first and last durian. I've never ate a fruit that tasted so disgusting. It's spiky and badass looking and feels like it belongs more in Mario Kart than it does in my mouth. You open up the spikyness and there are seed/nut things covered in lard. You are supposed to eat the lard off the seed. It smells terrible and I gagged when I took a nibble of the spiky lard shit. Blech.
Stay tuned to find out how I got kicked out of the country of India!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
rainbow balls and nips galore
Recent news:
1. I set fire to my pillow.
2. I ate some rainbow balls.
3. I grabbed my nips.
4. Since I'll be in India (and Malaysia) in less than a week, I began practicing choreographed dances like Jai Ho from Slumdog Millionaire and this dance.
Based on all the movies I've seen about India (aka just Slumdog Millionaire), it seems that people bust into spontaneous dance, so I must be prepared.
5. I won $200 in the Taiwan lottery!! Except surprise, 200 Taiwanese dollars is equivalent to less than 7 US dollars. Oh well, I'll take it... This is how the lottery works: each receipt has a unique 8 digit number on it. Every 2 months, the Taiwanese government announces which numbers win money. They do this because otherwise companies evade taxes and don't tell the government how much money they make. If the receipts have lottery tickets, people will demand receipts from the companies. I'm satisfied because I'm 7$ richer for no reason at all.
4 days until Patrick and I leave for Kuala Lumpur... YAY YAY YAY!!!
Monday, January 3, 2011
even the sea mammals are good at math here - it must be all that tovigorafing.
I'm pretty sure I rarely post anything on this blog unless something weird happens.Yesterday qualified.
Then came the divers, full out in their bee costumes.One guy had (quite large) fake bee boobs that he shoved male member's of the audience face in while shimmying. Yep. Why bees? I don't know. The real question I want answered is not only why bees, but why transvestite bees? Do gender-confused bees prove to be more aerodynamically awesome when diving? 
The whole routine was in Chinese, which made it both awkward and amusing. They then performed a three-stooges-esque skit filled with so many stupid sound effects it would have put old school batman to shame. The Taiwanese entertainment industry loves their awful sound effects. During their TV shows the producers get paid on commission for how many sound effects they can play in one show and get extra bonuses for awkward placements. Their bosses also threaten to fire them if they don't cut into commercials in the middle of important speeches. Seriously, this one time I was watching the holiday classic Final Destination 7 and a knife was literally in the process of plunging into someone's throat and it cut into commercials. Knife plunge, dancing vitamin bottles, then BOOM knife in throat; no transition whatsoever. It did make for a better viewing of Final Destination 16 or whatever it was.
On a completely related note, I purchased myself these zebra print leggings in attempts to feel more Taiwanese. I bought them 50% as a joke, 10% because I like them, and 40% because I am trying to persuade myself that I like them because it's Taiwanese when I, in reality, find them 86% hideous. I haven't worn them yet. I promise to report any and all unusual activities when wearing said leggings, such as being hit on by any zebras that have been freed from the zoo.
Along with zebra print leggings I also purchased this gem for a Christmas present for my little sister.
I leave you with this advice for the new year: It in natural that a thould fall in love are such a beautiful. Also, I hope you get plenty of fresh are and feel tovigorafed, as I often do.
It started out as a normal, harmless trip to a different part of Taiwan. It's been a while since I ventured out of Taipei, but with the holidays, I got 2 Saturdays off in a row (the only 2 Saturdays I've had off in 5 months) and my liver was begging me to spare it one weekend, so a friend and I jumped on a bus to Yehliu, a tiny city located in Northern Taiwan. A few weeks back I attended a "barbecue" at a wine shop and befriended probably the only Spanish-speaking people on this island. They were in Taiwan because they were professional divers and worked at "Ocean World" in some diving show. Really, I feel like I'm the only one I know who goes to a wine shop in Taiwan for a barbecue and ends up friends with the only latinos in a 100 mile radius who happen to dress up like bees and dive from 75 foot things at Ocean World for a living.
They lived in Yehliu and invited us to see their bee show. Ocean World started out with an aquarium with some of the ugliest underwater creatures I've ever seen in my life, along with some cool features, like being able to pet giant turtles and be electrocuted by ... things (I opted out of the electrocutions from unknown sea beasts).We were then escorted outside to watch our diver friends perform in the show.
First up were the seals. Just your average performing seals who get down and funky to Michael Jackson, make-out with their seal trainers and then get offended and shield their virgin seal eyes when the seal trainers try to strip for them.
Then came the divers, full out in their bee costumes.One guy had (quite large) fake bee boobs that he shoved male member's of the audience face in while shimmying. Yep. Why bees? I don't know. The real question I want answered is not only why bees, but why transvestite bees? Do gender-confused bees prove to be more aerodynamically awesome when diving? 
The whole routine was in Chinese, which made it both awkward and amusing. They then performed a three-stooges-esque skit filled with so many stupid sound effects it would have put old school batman to shame. The Taiwanese entertainment industry loves their awful sound effects. During their TV shows the producers get paid on commission for how many sound effects they can play in one show and get extra bonuses for awkward placements. Their bosses also threaten to fire them if they don't cut into commercials in the middle of important speeches. Seriously, this one time I was watching the holiday classic Final Destination 7 and a knife was literally in the process of plunging into someone's throat and it cut into commercials. Knife plunge, dancing vitamin bottles, then BOOM knife in throat; no transition whatsoever. It did make for a better viewing of Final Destination 16 or whatever it was.Amidst the bees strutting their stuff, they did some legit cool dives.
After the questionable sea-lion show and the bee-porn, the show producers were like, "what else could we possibly add to make this better? hmmm.... DOLPHINS DOING MATH OF COURSE!"
Not to be all stereotypical, but come on. It is Asia, after all. Of course even the sea mammals are good at math.
The show ended as all good shows do with a staff dance to a song from a Korean boy band.
If interested, watch below.
The show ended as all good shows do with a staff dance to a song from a Korean boy band.
If interested, watch below.
Along with zebra print leggings I also purchased this gem for a Christmas present for my little sister.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
praising jesus with leopard print cat sweaters
This past weekend I wanted to break from the norm and go on an outdoor adventure. My friend recently purchased a scooter, the Taiwanese preferred method of getting from point A to B.
 |
| Straight out of Pimp My Ride, yo |
Sunday morning we hopped on her scooter with no particular destination in mind; we just wanted to get out of Taipei and into somewhere nature-y.
It was great fun for the first 20 minutes or so, but after that, it got boring because we kept getting lost and my butt became numb from riding bitch on the scooter. Finally we found a mountain and attempted to drive up it. Turns out, the mountain(s) we were visiting were located in YangMingShan Park, a place we had both gone before, as mentioned in my blog post "just chase it down with snake broth".
We did get to visit parts of the park we had never seen before. It was really pretty and relaxing.
Sometime in between taking these pictures, we started scooting up the mountain. We stopped while going uphill and waited for a car to pass. Victoria started the scooter and started scooting up - but I stayed. And fell off. On my back, in the middle of the street. How embarrassing for me. Luckily, I was wearing a backpack and it broke my fall so the only thing I injured was my pride. A group of Taiwanese were walking by as the "incident" happened and they didn't know what to do - help me, laugh, or pretend nothing happened, so they just walked away thinking, "wtf" and/or "why didn't I videotape that so I could youtube it?"
I also fell in the water when attempting to take cool pictures. Very much not awesome.
Minus the falling-off-the-back-of-a-scooter and falling-into-a-lake incidents, it was a much appreciated break.
In other breaking news, Potato has been getting in the Christmas mood and feeling festive. She has recently obtained a leopard print sweater. Leopard print is, of course, known as one of the best ways to celebrate the birth of Jesus.
I think the leopard really brings out the color in her eye.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
we're going to india and malaysia!
Update: We're going to India and Malaysia!!!!
Jan 30 - Feb 10.
YES.
I bought a camera in Taiwan in August. It has all this crazy Asian technology that isn't released in the States yet. One of its capabilities is time travel pictures, so for your enjoyment, here are what the pictures of me on vacation in 3 months will look like.
Jan 30 - Feb 10.
YES.
I bought a camera in Taiwan in August. It has all this crazy Asian technology that isn't released in the States yet. One of its capabilities is time travel pictures, so for your enjoyment, here are what the pictures of me on vacation in 3 months will look like.
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| Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia) |
| fireworks in my honor in KL |
 |
| Taj Mahal!!! |
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| Me in front of the Taj Mahal. According to the time travel camera, I will accidentally turn Indian. |
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| Me riding an elephant, hells to the yes (I'm the one in the red hat on the front of the elephant) |
| me after I find a dinosaur in India! seriously though, what was this picture doing in google images under "india"? *cough* I mean camera of the future *cough* |
I cannot wait!! :D
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