how i didn't ride the magic school bus in taiwan

I've decided that traveling and living abroad is a roller coaster with crazy, intense highs and lows. Some days I absolutely adore Taiwan and love the adventures that have come with this new chapter of my life. Other days I wonder what I was smoking when I signed up to live in a country half-way around the world where I don't speak the language and don't know a soul. Actually, I'm not sure if a roller coaster is the best metaphor since I love the adrenaline rush of a plummeting roller coaster and that's not really my point... maybe Taiwan is one of those old, rickety wooden roller coasters that jerk you around and you only enjoy at some points? A roller coaster that jerks you so much that the photo stand workers have to delete the picture they snap of you mid-plummet because certain parts of you may have popped out of your tank-top amongst the intense jerking (a true story, sadly)? Whatever the hell the metaphor is, the moral of the story is that Taiwan makes me become bipolar.

The manic / top of the roller coaster feeling is amazing. Although much of my blog posts are filled sarcasm and mockery of the randomness of Taiwanese culture, I hope readers can tell that I'm mostly really enjoying myself. I ADORE those awkward moments, like when I went pants shopping with a friend and when he asked for a new pants size, the owner showed us her potty-trained rabbit who lived in the store. Or like the student I met yesterday who wanted his English name to be "whale". You can't find weirdos like that in the States. Well, we have plenty of weirdos, but you know what I mean. Taiwanese awkwardness is a new level that I am thoroughly enjoying exploring.

I also *think* I like my new job. I think, but I'm not 100% sure. I do like teaching better here than I did teaching Spanish in the USA while I was student teaching. Maybe it's because I teach younger students, maybe it's because teachers are much more respected here than in the United States; whatever it is, I enjoy teaching more. I'm getting the hang of it more as I approach my third week of actual teaching.

I don't even mind that I got bit by a poisonous spider and had to go to the doctor's to get injected by who knows what to regain circulation in my fingers. Now that the bite is healed, it's kind of funny. Like really, WTF, I'm just about the only person I know who'd get bit by a poisonous spider. I got bit in my bedroom too, not even some place exciting like a crazy safari or at some lab where they accidentally created Spiderman.


However, the roller coaster cart has to come down sometime / jerk you around / bipolar meds stop working / [insert other idiom for feeling upset]. There are some really low lows here too. After spending a fantastic night in Taichung, for example, I hopped on the bus to LuZhou. Mid-bus ride, the bus driver stopped the bus and yelled something in Chinese. He forced everyone to vacate the bus and left us in B.F.E. Mind you, this is around 10:30pm, when that bus could quite possibly be the last bus. We could have been in Japan for all I knew. Ok, not Japan since the bus was not driven by Miss Frizzle and it did not suddenly gain powers of extreme awesomeness to fly across the ocean (Magic School Bus anyone?), but you catch my drift. I was lost. I blindly followed most of the group onto another bus that passed by that I did not recognize. The bus also does not usually say where it is stopping in English. I kind of know the Chinese symbol for LuZhou: if you squish your eyes, it looks like a computer and a side-ways injection. I searched for computer/side-ways injection but didn't find it. I probably looked absolutely terrified because someone extremely kind asked me in English if I knew where I was going. "Absolutely not". She tried to ask the bus driver and look on the maps for me, but since I only knew one street of the intersection of my bus stop, I couldn't give her much information. She ended up telling me to get off at a stop "in LuZhou". I figured I could take a taxi from there.

Even though I was in LuZhou, I was so frustrated. Recounting my tale now, this seems not-so-bad, but during I was absolutely terrified. Here I was, poor white girl who can't speak Chinese, clutching her weekend belongings, practically shaking, scared because she has no idea where she is and it's too late for her to be walking alone with no sense of direction.
Here is the stupid part. The bus actually dropped me off in a place I have walked by at least 20 times on my way to work. In the darkness and my confidence that I was 100% lost, I didn't recognize it. At this point, I was literally sobbing in the middle of the street in my frustration.

I hailed a taxi to drop me off at my school, because I had that address written down in Chinese (this is how complicated things are here. Unlike Spanish or German that you could butcher a "donde esta el metro?" and people would know what you mean, the tonal language of Chinese is much more complicated. Anyone who isn't at least at intermediate Chinese skills has to show non-English speakers the actual Chinese characters because chances are, they won't understand you). The taxi driver said something to me in Chinese that was probably something to the extent of "you dumbass, you are on this street right now". The meter started at 70NT$ and stopped at 75NT$ one minute later (equivalent of a 15 cent difference), when he dropped me off down the street. Then I handed him a 100$ and he ripped me off with my change, just to kick me while I was down. Thanks.

The moral of this story is I really want to ride the magic school bus now, and also that stupid stuff happens that probably wouldn't happen back home because I (usually) know what is going on. Had I gotten lost in Holland, I could have called someone, looked up google maps on my phone, stopped at a gas station and asked directions, etc. I don't have those options here. I'm on my own and when I'm fucked, all I have to rely on is luck. Additionally, I'm out of my comfort zone, so minor disturbances become major here. Everything becomes extremes, and in this case, it was an extreme suckfest.

The point of this blog was not to complain and for you to offer me "some cheese with that whine" (uhhhhh cheese I miss you so badly whydidiremindmyselfofcheese), but just so you can have a more complete picture of my life here. Yes, I am living in extreme awesomeness, but it also extremely sucks sometimes.
It could be worse; I could be starting classes now.
Suckers.

my classroom management involves lady gaga, what of it?

Ni hao.

I joined a gym yesterday. I felt so proud of myself. It's quite cheap - it was 100$ to start up and 30$ a month after that. Today I joined a yoga class conducted entirely in Chinese. Weird. It wasn't bad - I had no clue what was going on a lot of the time, but I just watched the instructor and stayed in the back.

After training for forever and observing for the past week, I finally started teaching today!!

I had two classes. The first class was Step Ahead 12, which are students about age 9-10. They were really well behaved and almost too quiet. Until, that is, I brought up Lady Gaga. That got them talking, and singing Bad Romance. Nothing like Gaga Ooh La La to break your kids out of their shells.

The second class I taught was Kid's Club 7, which were students about 7-8. They were a little noisy and naughty, but not terrible. THEY ARE ADORABLE. Especially cute little Reggie, who sits in the front and punches himself in the face all the time because of his severe ADD he must have. I pulled them outside to give them oral tests, and one little girl said after her test, "teacher Robin, you are very beautiful" (pronounced boot-ee-full). Aaaaw, 100% for you, little girl! The kids stare at me all the time like I'm some freak, but it's just because I'm so tall, have blue eyes, white skin, and light hair. I'm glad this girl took me for beautiful instead of freakish, as I suspect the others do.

After teaching, I treated myself to pearl tea, which is my new guilty pleasure. The tea man knows me and the other girl at my branch by face and we just order "the usual". Pretty awesome. I doubt there are many white girls that come to the tea stand, considering the entire menu is in Chinese.

Day off tomorrow... woohoo!
Hasta luego bitches

doritos and boxed wine = pure classiness

I'm currently sitting in my new apartment, eating raamen noodles with chopsticks and sipping coke zero out of a bottle with a straw. That's how they do it in Taiwan; every time I purchase my 20 ounces of delicious soda (which happens A LOT, if you don't know me) at a 7-11, the cashier gives me a straw. I usually just leave it on the counter, but I decided to embrace the Taiwanese way and suck down my Coke with a straw, and I kind of like it.
Straw = metaphor of embracing Taiwan's culture?
Meh, I'm too tired to work it out.
All I know is I love Coke Zero.

So back to where my last post left off...

Friday
Friday was absolutely fantastic.

Saturday was MITT2 (my training group)'s only day off, so we ventured to the Taipei brewery on Friday night to celebrate being half way done *cue Bon Jovi song*. It was fabulous. The place was packed with locals and our group of 40-some white people stuck out terribly, but whatever; we're used to it.

One of my coworkers, Alex, bought a mini-keg of beer and had each of us stand under the keg to pour beer into our open mouths. This was funny enough, but then he started getting the Taiwanese locals to join in. Some denied it, but some people actually tried it! I was cracking up; the Taiwanese are so reserved and conservative, but they were letting their hair down tonight, especially after seeing how much fun all the crazy drunk white people were having.

chug chug chug!

Awesome.

The brewery hired a band to play. I think they were supposed to be a hard-rock / punk-rock band, but seriously, who can take a band that sings in Chinese seriously as a hard-rock band? Also, the guitarist looked like Jesus. Asian Jesus. Check the poster.

We crazy white people started dancing on the tables to the band, who started playing some English music. Classic hard rock songs, of course, like Lady Gaga and Avril Lavigne. We got some of the locals to join us, but most probably thought we were crazy. They kept taking pictures us. I can only imagine them uploading them on facebook and the comment they write underneath. "Look! Drunk white people acting ridiculous! WOW!"

Someone who frequently goes to the brewery told us it is NEVER as crazy as that. I don't care how conceited I may sound, but we MADE that brewery amazing.

We went to a club after. It was okay, nothing too snazzy.

Saturday
On my day off, I did something really special.
I got a shot.
At 8 am.
Fantastic.

I then went down to LuZhou, where I'm going to be working, to check out potential housing. I thought I'd be in a tiny apartment, but most of the places we viewed weren't much smaller than an apartment in the states and were cheaper than 300 US dollars a month.

How did I take my tour of LuZhou, did you ask? Oh, you know, straddling my future boss, a 50 year old heavy South African guy, on the back of a scooter. Yep, awkward. That's the popular thing here in Taiwan, scooters. They are fun, but the Taiwanese don't follow traffic laws and I'm constantly fearing death when riding on them.

Post-boss-straddle, I hopped on the bus back home and got pizza and watched Mulan. Yep, I watched Mulan while in Asia. Yesss.
LETS GET DOWN TO BUSINESS... TO DEFEAT.... THE HUNS.

During the Pizza Hut venture I almost lost my wallet, which included my license, bank cards, all cash I had on me, you know, my entire life. This story probably surprises 0% of people reading this.

Sunday - Tuesday
Sunday was not off, unfortunately. Hess training started once again. I died a little on the inside.

Wednesday
GRADUATION!!! Wednesday was day 9 of 9 of training. We finished by having a graduation ceremony, where we celebrated by drinking boxed wine and eating Doritos, which is probably the most classy way I have ever heard of for graduating in style.

Then we went over to a karaoke place, or KTV, as it is referred to here. I don't get what the big deal is about karaoke, but whatevs, I'll do it. It was fun for an hour or two, especially since I will not be able to see many of the friends I've made in the training group for a while. Why not spend our last moments screaming our little hearts out to Barbie Girl and Smashmouth? My favorite part about KTV is that they play these really awkward videos of white people from the 90s posing dramatically while the wind blows through their hair and they look angsty and stoic. I think that if this whole English teaching thing doesn't work out, I shall strive to find this job.

Our trainers went out with us too, which was awkward but I guess awesome. It felt kind of like when you're walking through Target and you see your high school math teacher buying laundry detergent and you feel extremely uncomfortable because math teachers don't buy laundry detergent, they just live in the classroom and do calculus. But then you realize that, eh, okay math teacher, you can buy some detergent because you are a decent person but let's not look each other in the eye and if anyone asks, this never happened.

We later went out to a Taiwanese club. I don't remember much at this point.

Thursday
I woke up still drunk (classy, eh?) and picked up everything dispersed in the hotel room. My boss picked me up in a taxi and dropped me off at the apartment I'm staying at. I'm living with a British girl named Amelia who has been here a few months. The apartment isn't great, but it's quite cheap. I don't know if I can handle no AC though... a;sdglkjasds;lgkajsd;

Since LuZhou, or LuChou, or LuJhou, or however the fuck the Taiwanese decide on spelling it, is a smaller city compared to Taipei, it has been a different experience. For lunch, I felt extremely adventurous and wanted a cultural experience of Taiwanese food so I walked over to KFC. Unlike in Taipei, where people saw my clearly not Taiwanese appearance and either didn't speak to me at all or attempted English, LuZhouians speak to me in Chinese. I never know what they are saying. I JUST WANT A DAMNED KETCHUP PACKET QUIT IT WITH THE CHONG WONG LING!? Seriously though, I want to learn Mandarin. I hate being here and not knowing it and it's such a waste to not attempt to learn the language.

People are staring at me more than they did in Taipei, mostly little children and old creepy men. Foreigners aren't common in Taipei and basically unheard of in LuZhou. So far, I've been in a good mood, and it's cute to wave at the kids who stare because they get so excited to see the giant, blue-eyed, hairy woman freak (they don't even have hair on their arms here...) acknowledging them. I can tell this is going to get old though.

I got a phone too. Every time I make calls, no matter the number, some angry lady picks up and yells at me in Chinese. Fuck. I can text people in the US though, so I'll put up my number soonish.

It's weird. Training felt more like a holiday - now I'm officially here. I have an apartment. I have a phone. I am getting a resident visa. What did I get myself into? I went into my school to observe a teacher today. I live about 10 minutes away walking distance and have to turn once to get to my school. It took me about 40 minutes to get there and I turned probably 20 times. Again, this should surprise 0% of people reading this.

I have so much to write about Taiwan, like the old people who do the macarena at 6am in the parks, but I'll leave it for later when less new stuff is happening.

Opposite of ni hao.

Brass monkey. that funky monkey

I'm failing miserably at keeping up with this damned blog. There is simply to much fun happening; I don't want to drag myself to the hotel to document it all!

Saturday
On Saturday, our training group had the option of touring Taipei. We went to Danshui, which is part of Taipei County. Taipei county isn't exactly Taipei, but the surrounding area. Taipei County claims to be less city-like, but it's Asia; it's crowded as hell no matter where you go.

Our group, still awkwardly attempting to get to know each other, stumbled on the MRT (metro) and made our way to Danshui. Our training group of 50-60 transformed into a giant stampede of white people storming through the tiny alleys. There were lots of shops and street food to visit, but it was SO SO hot that I couldn't enjoy it. I did, however, temporarily counter the intense Taiwanese heat by purchasing some soft-serve ice cream that was taller than the size of my face and only cost about 30 cents in American money.

Our group became sluggish and a few of us became antsy to explore, so we broke off and wandered around Danshui by ourselves. Most of the time was spent figuring out how not to die from dehydration because I kept sweating like I was Hitler at a Bar Mitzvah. It was still fun to explore my new home for the next year.

After Danshui left us with nothing to do, Luckily, my friend Patrick can speak some Chinese and we figured out how to get to the beach. I have absolutely no clue which beach we went to, but it was fun. We rented a little hut on the beach, ripped off our sweaty clothes, and jumped in the Chinese sea. It was really warm which scared me a bit at first, because warm beach water in Michigan usually means someone recently pissed in it. Based on how many people were jammed in a small amount of closed off beach water (again, this is Asia. Of course even the beaches are packed), I supposed this could have been a possibility.

We somehow found our way back to the hotel and organized a group to grab some Indian food for dinner. When in Taiwan... eat Indian food? Whatever; it was good. The restaurant didn't have a liquor licence so he let us bring in beers from the 7-11 across the street which shocked me because that would never happen in the States.

We had a free day the next day, Sunday, and then we were to start training on Monday, so we wanted to spend our last precious moments of free time doing something fun. A few of the guys in the group I was hanging out are gay so we decided to go to ... a Taiwanese gay bar? Of all things to do when in Asia, I go to a gay bar. I actually had a blast, they played ok dancing music (including Lady Gaga OF COURSE), I danced with a bunch of gay Taiwanese men who bought me drinks. Awesome.

Sunday
Nothing too excited happened on Sunday. If something did, I forgot it. I guess I could talk about the shitty breakfast the hotel has. One of the food items they offer is "french balls". I kid you not, that is the label next to the tater tots. So kids, on Sunday I ate some French balls and that's about all that happened.

Monday - Thursday evening
Training began on Monday.
DUN DUN DUN.

In some ways, I love it, because I've met a TON of awesome people from around the English-speaking world. I've become super close with some of them and will be sad when we aren't in the same hotel anymore.

Training is way intense and awkward. I'll write about it fully in a later post, because I haven't officially signed my contract with my branch, and knowing me I will say exactly what is on my mind... CLIFFHANGEROMG

Thursday evening

After 4 draining days of training, my fellow trainees went to drink beer and stuff our face with Taiwanese food at a restaurant. We go out every night because it's way cheap. That night, we each got two big cans of beer (=2 regular cans each) and a meal of good Chinese food for about 6US$.

We then went over to a 7-11 to buy more beer and went to a park to drink it. Sounds sketch, but it's actually legal to drink outside. Woohoo! There are 7-11s EVERYWHERE. One time I was trying to buy a sim card and I entered one 7-11 and the worker told me to go to the next one. I looked down the road and could see two more from the one I was standing at.

The group then stumbled into Brass Monkey, which is a bar that ex-pats (foreigners living in the country) frequent often. It was free for girls and had free alcohol for the girls... yay! We danced the night away and had a blast.